I swear to tell the truth.

“It's essential to tell the truth at all times. This will reduce life's pain. Lying distorts reality. All forms of distorted thinking must be corrected.” John Bradshaw

Watching CNN I caught the story of the evangelical pastor, Ted Haggard who claims he is “not gay anymore”. Wow. That is a modern miracle. Three weeks and… kaboom!!! He is healed. Could the same technology be used on someone who is straight but wants to be gay? (sorry...)

Sadly I suspect Mr. Haggard may be lying to himself, his family, friends Okay, I’ll say it, I think he is lying to himself. What is more troubling is that he believes that he has to lie; to distort reality in order to be accepted by his peers. He is so shamed by his particular “culture” that he has to hide who he is from the world and pain lives on.

I am sure there are some folks (who are lying to themselves, and therefore Mr. Haggard), have “spoken the truth in love” to him and have only deepened his anguish. He needs a place where he can tell his truth so that he won't have to sneak around with a male prostitute.

And before some are tempted to pounce on this post, let me clarify, this post is not about Ted Haggard or his “heterosexuality” or being a former meth-using gay evangelical pastor.

It’s about how we lie thinking we are reducing the pain of ourselves or another, but we only distort reality. We betray others when we lie to them and we are betrayed by thinking we have to lie.

The truth is that all people lie from time to time (or at least I do) and are under the same illusion and live the lie that Mr. Haggard lives—we must not speak the truth of who we are: what we think, feel, want and need or risk rejection from the very people whose love we need to grow that we hide our authentic selves.

It’s not always easy to tell the truth: to others or to ourselves. I don’t think this is because people are fundamentally flawed or evil; I suspect it has to do with we don’t like the truth, and as a result we often remain in pain.

Even those who are habitial liars or lie to cover-up a wrong, are doing so to avoid pain. It may be easy to decieve others with our words, but it is often our very selves who suffer the most damage. Kant said, “A lie is the abandonment and, as it were, the annihilation of the dignity by a person.”

Sometimes we don’t even know we are lying to ourselves; our need not to feel any pain can be so strong that we’ll easily put on a mask for the world. Some masks have worn so long some of us are not aware that we are lying to ourselves. Dependent upon the rules from our family of origins we are so clouded or mystified that we lie to ourselves by becoming what we think we should or ought to be.

When I lie to myself by telling myself what I want to be true, or what I think you want to be true for me versus what is real, then my reality is distorted and only in intensifies my pain. It's only when I can fully tell my truth that I begin to experience freedom. When I tell you anything other than my truth, I lie.