Appreciating the Wall?
Dear Friends,
Thank you for the outpouring of love, support and prayers during this period in my life. I have felt lost and alone the past few days and your comments, phone calls, prayers and emails have sustained me.
One never knows from day to day what life will throw in our path. When I reflect back on my life, it is the most challenging times; the most dark and lonely places in my soul that I have experienced the greatest life transformations. I am talking about the kind of transformation that changes one forever. Like falling into a pit and hitting bottom where my soul is so broken that I cannot stand. In these times, when I have cried out for nothing but God and God alone, God revealed him/herself to me in very real ways.
No one likes pain or suffering. Religious mystics and teachers since the beginning of humankind have tried to either avoid suffering or understand why God allows suffering. It is just a part of our human condition. I saw a quote yesterday that said something like, “God helps those who want to stop hurting themselves.” I don’t know how true this statement is but it made me wonder how we can hurt ourselves and others without knowing it and all of a sudden when are slammed into a wall that forces us to stop. As I sit here against the wall that I have slammed into (or the wall that slammed into me) I suspect in a strange way this can be a gift that will allow me to want to stop “hurting myself or others” and I will find that God once again will be my strength and life-force. I believe in my soul that God is with me in this time of deep soul pain. My redeemer lives.
In a strange way, and for the moment that I type this, I have found a sense of appreciation for this moment (not that I want it or like it) for it allows me to gain a perspective on myself and life. I guess when one slams into a wall it is probably an indication that one was headed in the walls direction. I suspect that I was headed for the wall and wasn’t aware of the reality. Perhaps in God’s grace and mercy, God will be willing to restore and resurrect my brokeness into what God truly desires.
Please continue to pray. Thanks.
In Christ’s love,
Rick
16 Comments:
Geez, Rick, I can almost see the blood-pain on this entry.
Ow.
I myself have been there often.
You're right~ I know it's not much comfort to you right now, but you're right, the times of whole and impactful transformation come through a time of trial and suffering, or in its aftermath.
So, you can be a little comforted, anyway, that this is the finest time to learn more about God from Godself.
Your heart has to be cracked open pretty big, to be wide enough to receive something as big as a new familiarity with God.
Bad times, but good will come of it~ you're right....
still praying, friend.
continuing to pray and begging you to continue to share the journey...It is amazing to see and share and know the realness of the journey, the realness of Him working through blogs and conversations...working in ways we cannot see....praying for you...
Soul pain has changed me ... it has opened my eyes (somewhat) to my weakness and what true strength is ... I have hated this journey at times but know that it has been necessary to make me like Jesus.
Stay transparent and vulnerable Rick ... Jesus will use you in a way that you didn't plan on!
God has already used you so many times to encourage me....I hope that you feel the love and encouragement that so many of us are beaming your way.
James says to "Consider it a sheer gift, friends when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors"
Rick, continued prayers and love. Just a little challenge to your post though, because I know you would welcome it, maybe God doesn't "allow" or "permit" suffering at all. I have a hard time with that theology, and so wonder what might be some other ways of looking at this. . .I have no doubt though that you will be transformed in ways you have not even imagined. And you will be present and a gift to others in new ways as well.
Love, Christine
This is in response to sacred center. Of course God allows pain and suffering, because if God didn't, then it wouldn't exist. I'd like to believe that God doesn't place that in our lives on His own account, but rather allows us to screw up so that pain and suffering are the result, allowing us to mature and be aware of all we're blessed with. But even in that, there are so many other types of pain and suffering that just don't fit in that category primary man-made suffering. For example, the suffering that exists over in Africa, or other third world countries. Many of these people did nothing more than be born into the situation. Famine is God-allowed, not man-made.
Truth is, without pain and suffering, we would never know when we were blessed. And blessings are of different values to others. I believe the poorest person receives the most blessings, for everything received is a gift to give thanks for.
Anyway, I digress. Rick, I am praying for you every day. I hope that the turmoil you are facing will serve its purpose soon, so you can learn and be stronger. Thank you for not shutting us out during this trying time, and allowing us this chance to be there for you. God bless.
Crissi, I respectfully disagree with the premise of so much of what you have said. But this is not the place for that kind of discussion, I just wanted to plant a seed for Rick to maybe come back to this topic later and treat it with his usual thoughtfulness. I apologize for inadvertently starting something that distracts from the focus of these comments, which should be prayers for Rick. Blessings to all, Christine
Rick,
Ditto what Becky said and what Christine said - I almsot feel your pain, the gut wrenching, seering, chest aching pain that is so deep its hard to imagine feeling normal again. But we know you will. Hugs,
Layyyyyyyyyyyyyyla
Father, thank you for Rick. Help him to wholeness as only you can. Surround him with your love in your way. Draw him closer to you. In Jesus' name, amen. Will be thinking of you as I read Psalm 86. Blessings Rick.
What's going on, Rick? Is the situation improving? Are you doing OK?
Ric, I interpret the mystical idea of "equanimity," not as detachment, but commitment, "for richer or poorer, better or worse, in sickness and in health." In a sense, our circumstances don't matter... Our ability to control them is limited. What we can do is exactly what you are already doing. Seeing God's face in all, no matter what, responding appropriately,no matter what.
Don't worry, the circumstance will change. But YOU, the real you, imago Dei, will not. You will just shine.
Dear Rick, "Lost and alone" describes my experience, of late, too... but it only seems that I am lost, or seems that I am alone... because I am only seeing the narrow picture. Reminding myself of that that doesn't often change what I perceive... but it helps me be okay with it, somehow. We're all in this together. I hope that makes sense. God is with you, and always has been - nothing can separate Him from you, it only seems that way sometimes. Much love to you.
I am praying for you.
Nothing will separate you from the love of Christ. While you were still messed up, He loved you and died for you. He won't let go. Cling on!
Damn those walls.
You take care - find a place to be quiet and drink some latte. Get lost in a park or on the freeway.
Breathe.
Read poetry.
Hug someone who understands (since we all can't but want to hug you so much!)
And peace to those around you suffering with you.
Julie
That wall can be both painful and productive. I was just praying there recently and found some peace. My prayers are with you as you process. I agree with Sacred Center's challenge to look at the idea of suffering in a different way. I cannot relate to the concept of God allowing or permitting suffering. Regardless, there is often some amazing insight to be found within the pain. If nothing else but to remind you not to make the same choices again. Wishing you peace and insight.
Grace.
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