Sleeping with Elephants.
Have you ever noticed that the big purple elephants that dance in our midst only get bigger if we ignore them? Soon they get so large that they take all the space in our heads, hearts, and souls.
By purple elephants, I mean those people, problems and issues that we ignore or deny rather than name and confront.
What are the big purple elephants in your life that you arre avoiding? A conversation that needs to take place with a family member or co-worker? An addiciton?
“What big, purple elephant are you talking about? I don’t see any big, purple elephant. Oh that one, no, it is actually quite tame and easily to control. I don’t mind having it occupy space in my world.”
The elephants only get larger if we ignore them, and sooner or later the elephant will step on you, sit on you and crush you. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself how well you like elephants or how cute you think big purple elephants are or that the elephant’s dancing in your head or living room doesn’t really bother you. It only gets bigger by your pretending that it’s not there. It will never go away.
Big purple elephants, regardless of how cute they seem, can be very intimidating to confront and name; I think that is why we attempt to ignore, deny or avoid them, but by doing so they end up in our beds at night hogging the covers and keeping us awake.
If you have ever been crushed by a big purple elephant you know they are not so cute. To be honest, I’m not all that fond of big purple elephants. So rather than being stepped on or attempting to walk around or avoid the elephant I have learned to call it what it is—to name it. As soon as I name the elephant it usually gets smaller immediately. Most of the elephant goes away until it learns to act tame.
I confronted an elephant this week.
I woke-up this morning and it was gone.
The house in my head is much quieter and I think I’ll sleep better tonight now that I have my bed back.
And if the elephant shows back up at my front door, I won’t let it in.
12 Comments:
hehe, I know exactly what you are talking about, and I am enjoying a peaceful head these days thanks to freeing the elephant.
I don't know what you are talking about specifically, but I do know that you are talking to me...How do you keep doing that?
So what if all the signs of elephant-life are there but you can't actually find it? I'd love to name it and see it shrink...but it's elusive.
I get what you're saying, but I think you're oversimplifying it, and I also think there's too much blame and culpability being placed on only one person.
It's a little too easy to say, oh, time to slay your dragons (or, in this case, elephants) and move on.
Often the elephants or dragons or demons have been brought to the party by other people who have a vested interest in making sure they not only stay at the party but are well-fed and encouraged at every turn.
Life is more complicated. There are situations that don't resolve, wounds that never heal, and pain deeper than another person can ever know.
Your comments can sound a little too glib to someone who is in a situation such as that. It's just a little too self-help/new-age-y and it doesn't recognize the very real responsibility we have not to lead the elephants in, or to feed the ones that exist in other people's lives.
Dear anonymous,
I was suggesting that if we do not address the big issues in our lives that the issue will only loom larger.
It is when we begin to name our elephants that we can begin to reduce thier size.
In my own life my healing is a life long process and I may never fully recover from the impact of elephants in my life but the process of healing begins to happen when I am willing to face the elephant and call it by name.
I was speaking from a personal experience that occurred in my life this week with a family member.
As far as sounding like "self-help", I am not sure we can begin to heal until we are willing to take the 1st step to help ourselves. It is my responsibility to address the elephant in my life. In many cases it comes down to life or death: emotionally, spiriutally, physically or mentally.
For example, I found myself over the past couple of weeks deeply troubled by an issue with a family member and it seemed to become more magnified as I ignored it. The next thing I knew was that I couldn't sleep at night so I knew that I had to say something.
I wasn't suggesting any form of "BLAME". I think blame is actually a form of irresponsibility. Blame does nothing more than feed the elephant. It is about naming and confronting the realities that are wreaking havoc on our lives.
Not sure how this sounds "new agey". I ma not sure what "new agey" is, actually. I imagine there are folks who think Eric Clapton is new agey but I am not sure what that has to do with this post.
I hope that helps clarify my post.
I guess what I'm saying is it's all well and good to name the realities that are wreaking havoc in your life, but it doesn't help much if the people around you have a very real need to suppress your little reality in case things start to get a little too real for them.
And that's the case for a lot of people. They're suffering. They're screaming the name of this giant, humongous elephant that's crapping all over their lawn from the rooftops, and not only is no one listening, but some people are doing their darndest to shut them up. Which is eventually more frustrating and counterproductive than ignoring the elephant.
By new-agey I mean this constant absorption with "self" and what we can do to make our "selves" feel better. There's no recognition of the responsibility we have towards others, much less a recognition that everything Christ taught came down to encounter and who we were for the other guy, not what we could do to make ourselves feel good.
Okay, I very rarely post but I am going to say that for me this post resonated w/the elephant of sin in my life, the elephant of self-centeredness and of ignoring God and what he wants. He is sometimes my Elephant! I think it's a broad metaphor that can resonate w/us in different ways, and I felt a LEEtle defensive of your post, Rick, because many of your posts have helped me.
Hi again anonymous,
I suspect if people around you are attempting to supress your reality and deny that there is a problem in your life then those folks just may be elephants.
I you live with a heroin addict who is completely disrupting your life and the lives of your family but they don't want to face the issue because of shame, pain, and fear then the elephant will only get bigger and will eventually crush itself and those around it.
On a global level, the are 6,000 people dying everyday in Africa and if we ignore the elephant folks continue to die.
Some one I love dearly never faced the elephant of alcoholism and neither would his friends or family. After he wreaked havoc on everything in his path he eventually died from his abuse. He not only destroyed his life but the lives of others. Naming the elephant was about feeling good, it was about staying alive.
The is a huge difference between "absorbtion" with self and loving oneself. The is a huge difference between being "self caring" and being "self-centered." It is extremely difficult if not impossible to truly be responsible toward (not for) others if we haven't first been responible toward and for ourselves. If we refuse to name the elephant we are NOT being loving or rsponsible to God, others, or ourselves.
Jesus first action after he was baptized was to enter the desert where he could "discover" his true self and to silence the "devil" (elephant) so that he live out his mission. He didn't do it to "feel good" he did it to live and to become what he was called to be.
The post wasn't about feeling good, it was about being healthy and in some cases, staying alive.
Jesus' primary ministry was naming and exorcising "elephants". He healed countless people and he confronted the relgious/politcal elephants in his midst. Some folks didn't like it but he actions were based on love of God, self and others. He didn't do it to feel good or so that others with "feel good" he did it to free folks from their oppression and to set people free.
He did not teach folks who were suffering to suck it up,ignore it or deny it. If we have a model for naming elephants in our midst it would be Jesus.
I don't think Jesus was new agey, I think he was God incarnate. And God became human on our behalf to see us free from the "elephants" in our world who want to destroy us.
good for you rick! i had always heard of them as 'pink' elephants - is there a difference??
well rick, your post resonates DEEP, and yes, I agree with you
until you actually acknowledge you have an elephant and then acknowledge WHAT the elephant is and that it's a problem, there will be no healing
elephants don't just "GO AWAY", mine was there for 24 years before I was able to acknowledge that it was there...and then I had to acknowledge what it was and until I was able to actually confide that the elephant existed, actually speak it - it continued to crush me
only since I have stopped avoiding the elephant (which wasn't possible so I medicated myself, so it blended in with the haze), there was no relief
thank you for posting this
and i happen to think, from my own experience, that it is that simple
my family had a wreak on their hands, a volitile volcano of hurt, anger, shame, guilt, etc., until I named the elephant and they acknowledged it's existence
i am still trying to shovel out from under 24 years of steaming elephant dung, but I am finally in the process
Dear Debbie,
Thank you for your comments. I am not all that brave, actually. I just have been around so many elephants that I know what they can do. I think you are right, some elephants will attempt to squash us when confronted, but that may just mean I have to move to a new environment. Naming the elephant may mean that I get out of the jungle.
Thanks Hanni, it's amazing once we are out of the jungle or the elephant has gone on to other parts of the jungle, we wonder why we stayed as long as we did. I guess we just come to a place where we get sick and tired of the elephant dung, the scent, the havoc, the destrution and we take a step to save oursleves instead of feeding the elephant and allowing it to grow to a place that it eventually crushes us. The reality is, sooner or later the elephant will sit in us if we don't get rid of it or leave the jungle.
hope you don't mind, but I linked to this post
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