Pressing Buttons.
Ever met the person who doesn’t like to have his or her “button pressed”?
I’m sure you’ve heard someone say at least once in your life, “Stop pressing my buttons or “You’re pressing my button.” or “I’m sorry that is a button for me.”
It happens with religious people quite often. Just say something they don’t like or disagree with, and you, my friend, have pressed a button. I said the word “lady” instead of “woman” the other day. Turns out that was a “button” for a person in the room. When the person told me, “This is one of my buttons.” I decided not to apologize but rather commented that if she were going to expose her button don’t be surprised if it gets pressed.
The question the person who doesn’t like having their button pressed fails to ask is “Why is my button being pressed.” If you are going to have a button and you are going to expose your button then don’t blame me for pressing it.
Quite frankly, your buttons are not my problem, they are yours. I hope my saying this deoesn't press your button. But if it does, you have to ask yourself why you have the button in the first place.
So when someone says, “Be careful, you don’t want to press Bob’s buttons.” That is usually an indication that Bob is insecure and has some issues to resolve in order to cope with being a human being in society.
But if you really stop to think about it, those with gigantic buttons really have an issue with ego. It’s all about self and blame.
There are many good therapists who are willing to help you understand your buttons and why your buttons exist in the first place.
If this post presses your button, just remember, your button is about you, not the person pressing it.
I guess you could say that I have a button about those who don’t like to have their buttons pushed.
Thanks to my friend Steve for the inspiritation.
15 Comments:
ouch! I really felt this post. I lurk your blog and have posted once or twice, and I am one of those button people. I have way too many buttons. basically they stand in the way of relationships and humility. thank you for posting. stacey p.s. I do have a good therapist.
(smiling) Thanks Stacey. I guess we all have buttons. I know when my buttons get pressed it is usually my issue. Thanks for your honesty, it helps me face mine. :)
Just how does your brain come up with this stuff? Brilliance, brother, brilliance. Thanks for the engaging post.
i agree, whole-heartedly -- if i get defensive about something, then the something i need to work out is in me, not the person stating the "offensive" thing to me.
"Quite frankly, your buttons are not my problem, they are yours."
"If this post presses your button, just remember, your button is about you, not the person pressing it."
Great post. Really laughed at these two lines. Love how the second one sounds like a disclaimer.
About ...
"So when someone says, “Be careful, you don’t want to press Bob’s buttons.” That is usually an indication that Bob is insecure and has some issues to resolve in order to cope with being a human being in society."
... are you talking about me?
Guess my insecure question answered my own question :)
Does it depend on the variety of button?
If you are pushing an emotional button or a political button or a flat-out racist or sexist button?
The other night I had a friend who inadvertently labeled feminists as emotional and not logical. That did push my buttons!
Perhaps it is at that point we get to educate the button-pusher to being insensitive... no? What thinkest thou?
Julie
I see what Julie is talking about - some "button-pushing" is inappropriate. But, I see Rick talking about the "normal" behavior that we use in daily life, and work.
I see a lot of racism and bigotry, where I work and live, but it's not my "chrism" to work on racism (my chrism is employment). But, if someone has that chrism, I'll contribute to their database. For me, bigotry is a "plus" - where I work, the bigotry causes others to take sick days (actually mental health days), and I get overtime. There's a big "color problem" where I work, for me, the "color" is green, and it has my name on it.
Thanks for the cooments.
Bob, man, how did you know I was talking about you? :)
Julie, you make me smile. Funny, I knew this would be a button for you. :) No actually, I agree with you from your perspective and I think you know that about me. I was speaking in more general terms, however, we always need to examine our buttons.
Mike, I appreciate you honesty. I imagine that you preference for green would be a button for some.
Fabulous stuff. Dead on. I've also heard it put this way:
If you're easily offended, you will be.
Ha!
Julie, I agree that it's not always bad to have buttons to push. If nothing offends us, we may not be much better off than if everything does; instead of emotionally overloaded, we're emotionally numb.
I think the important thing to remember is to take ownership of your buttons. "Yup, sexism/ racism/ basketweaving/ nose-picking offends me, and that's my choice." What you do from there is, again, your choice!
Ack...so true!! That "I'm so sensitive/don't push my buttons" attitude is a control freak thing mixed with an unhealthy dose of egotism.
It boils down to a grand announcement that you're special and need to be treated specially, and people can only respond or react to you in a manner you personally choose.
Everyone has sensitive spots or difficult issues, but when someone makes a habit of pre-determining the conversation by claiming his or her sensitivity must be catered to, then it's all about control, not true human feelings.
Great post, Rick, and as you can tell, very provocative. I think we all need to shed buttons and focus in on intent on meaning. I'm sick of PC, sick of the victim mentality, and sick of a culture of whiners. On the person-to-person level, your post is dead on.
And yet...
(You knew that was coming, eh?) Communication in fact is a two-way street. The one who complains about his buttons at one level is attempting to get the other to modify the mode of communication, but at another is attempting to enhance the effectiveness of communication. Or how about this:
Viewed non-dualistically, if all people are part of the "Self," the one human Soul which is in all persons, any complaint is a part of the Self (my Self!) letting me know there is an unresolved issue. And this holds true for all complaints, from button-pushing to acts of war or terrorism. (And remember how we all dreaded "the button" being pushed in the Cold War?)
Quite often that issue is reflected within my own mind as well. To the extent that I want to communicate effectively, the "other's" concerns are mine as well. To use St. Paul's analogy of the body of Christ, if the foot steps on a tack, the mouth says, "ouch," and the Head registers pain. With the awareness that there is no "other," the One can respond to itSelf without agenda.
interesting post. Thanks. I have buttons - and they do affect my relationships. Unfortunately. This helped me realise that the problem is ME not those who press the buttons. Thanks.
I tend to push people's buttons. I don't mean to, but it seems to happen a lot none-the-less. It especially seems to happen when I come to a point of comfort with someone, and believe I can speak my mind in a safe, understanding environment. That's when I so quickly learn that it was not the safe place I thought it was.
Just for once, it would be refreshing for other "believers" to say, "I don't agree with what you said, but tell me... why do you feel that way?" Instead it's usually a novelette diatribe on how insensitive, egotistical, and hurtful I am. That hurts me. For a sect of people who are supposed to be full of grace, it often doesn't show.
What about the other side of this coin -- the control freak who is the zen master of button-pushing?
Can a control freak so glibly aver that it is somehow the "fault" of the person whose buttons he or she is pushing?
I just stumbled across this post while searching for some advice for a family member who is suffering the inflictions of a control freak.
Do all of you (those persons who have posted comments here) really feel that button pushing is okay and that if someone pushes your buttons, it must be your shortccoming, not the button pusher's?
If so, I feel sorry for you.
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