Coming face to face with a bully.
"Bullies don’t want to fight you, they want to beat you up."
I used to teach that to the children in my karate class but the same principle applies to adults. Essentially, I was teaching children not to fight but to love themselves and honor themselves by facing their fears and those things that attempt to intimidate them.
The definition of bully is to force one's way aggressively or by intimidation. One of the root-words for bully means "harasser of the weak." It has been my experience that bullies come in all shapes, genders, sizes, and colors and they prey on those they consider to be weak. You probably have one in your office or church. You may have an imaginary bully living in your head. Most bullies have very little power but attempt to exercise their power by taking yours. I have had clients, professors, and former bosses who were bullies. Some bullies will attempt to use knowledge as a weapon, some money, and others position.
Only someone who is sick, fearful, weak, and hurt would attempt to harass the weak. This could be a subtle form of passive aggressiveness and it could come from a person who is in a power position who wants to attempt to intimidate you. Personally, I think Jesus would have a problem with bullies. Think about how he addressed the religious leaders who attempted to force their ways on others aggressively or by intimidation. God has a problem with people attempting to destroy another by taking their power. God is a defender of the weak and as children of the Defender of the weak we are called to defend the weak against the powers that want to dominate, incite fear, and to control.
Yesterday I encountered a bully. At first I was shocked and surprised for this person was to be a symbol of spiritual health. Yet there he was attempting to intimidate me and harass me for he perceived me to be in a weaker position. I don’t like bullies, so today I confronted him. I was extremely professional, but I confronted him and as much as I wanted to attack him, I used compassion, but I was direct. I honored myself, I honored God, and I honored the bully by naming the reality and calling him on the carpet. I’ll sleep better tonight.
We teach people how to treat us; this includes bullies. Are you facing any bullies? Tired of the harassment and giving up your lunch money? Tired of walking the long way home to avoid the bully? It may be the time to confront the bully- the person, place, or thing-- that is preying on you.
If you think you may have a bully on your hands check this out.
7 Comments:
oooh, boy.
how do you help someone who would be in flat-out denial that she is being bullied? i've even thought of photocopying not only this thread, but the bully link you provide. too many things on the list did i nod my head in agreement to (for her), but i am wondering how many things on said list do i know nothing about?
It's strange, but I handle bullies in the workplace pretty well. But two places where I don't respond to bullies well are (a)the church and (b)the recovery community.
I guess it's because there's just more at stake in those places. Especially in recovery, or when I'm speaking of my own faith journey, it's the place where I am most open, most honest...most vulnerable. So when bullies try to tell someone, "If you don't do things just the way we tell you, your [life - faith - recovery] sucks," I get riled real easily. Because that's not how it worked for me...
The pastor who destroyed my former church did so in a bullying way. He used tradition "the ancient and accepted forms of the church" as clubs with which to beat his congregation. And, just like dogs that get repeatedly beaten, two things happened - they either laid down, whimpered in fear and waited for the next beating...or they ran away. We tried reasoning, we tried confronting, we tried fighting...we really did try. In the end, we didn't run - but we definitely "shook the dust from our sandals."
Thank God for places of safety, of healing, of love and acceptance, where bullied people can run to. It's probably no coincidence that the big room in churches is often called "the sanctuary"...
that was an interesting post, Rick ... and i'm glad you listed the "bully website" for referral ...
i find i don't really notice if someone tries to bully me, BUT i do notice if others are being bullied ... especially those that are disabled in any way ... or mentally challenged ... i hope that we all stand up for others who can't do it for themselves ...
Thank you Rick for that wonderful, enlightening post. God bless and Happy Easter!
Rick,
What a great post. The link you provided is an excellent resource, too. Also, it was cool to discover you teach karate. My teacher is not only a Zen master, but also a master of unique martial style he calls "Zen Mushin Ryu" or Zen No-Mind School.
This is such a controversial issue.
Is there a bully in your church? Someone who seems to always get there way and tear down others while they do it? Very few people would like to admit that the church is fallible. Infact, mankind itself was born in sin, so who in their right mind expects the church to be perfect? Not me. But I also don’t think it should be a place the bullies of the world should take over and push people around. I am doing research on this subject and would love to hear your story or want your opinion. visit me at churchbully.blogspot.com
I attend a prestigous church whereas the pastor is single. I began to have rumors started via emails, telling people that I am "unholy" to hold a position in the church. The rumors and emails were so bad that the chilren in the church began to tease my kids (two are teens), promptly them to change churches. When I addressed this with the pastor, he stated that he would "pray over the situation". I did not know why this woman, who did part time work in the church as secretary, was doing this. She formed her own "group" of women, who now all "whisper" about me. I confronted the women each invidiually, which they all tried to "ignore" the problem. I stated to the what they were doing and asked for forgiveness if I've done something to offend them. It was not recieved. I prayed for God to reveal why these women were so mean to me. God revealed at a church gathering that the pastor has a "crush" on me. This problem has been going on for a year and the revelation happened six months ago. I tried to confront the pastor on the issue, but he is avoiding me. Now, everything that God give me to do for ministry is blocked by this group of women. I left the church but the Holy Spirit told me to return. The problem still exist with this same group of five women "rolling their eyes", spreading rumors, excluding me from planning committess, as well as blocking any support that I try to get for the ministry that God has placed me to work on. I have began ministry at another church because I have a passion for the hurting. I have prayed but still these women will not let up. They have even stalked me on my job and called my boss to get me fired. They are "obessed" with becoming "First Lady" of this prestigous church. Any opinion that anyone can give would be greatly appreciated! I am being obediant to God by staying, but this is becoming unbearable.
R.Y.
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