Don't Fake What You Feel.
"What we cannot control, we deny." (Richard Rohr) Have you ever considered why we lie to ourselves or do not speak the truth in our hearts about ourselves? My wife and I discussed this topic recently due to a work-related incident. There is truth in the saying what we cannot control, we deny—and both are fear-based. The harder it is to admit something or name a reality-- the more I know I should. One is only sick as one’s secrets. I meet people all the time who do not like it when people are honest. They want to downplay a reality or look for an excuse as to why something isn’t as bad as it is that is called denial. I must name my reality, I have to if I want to live an authentic life. There is something about naming truth that sets us free for whatever I resist, persists.
Harvard University Professors Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow Lahey in their book HOW THE WAY WE TALK CAN CHANGE THE WAY WE WORK, suggests that there is a fine line in shaking-off, ignoring, and not allowing ourselves to get bogged down in the negativity that surrounds us and being stuck in denial. This can at times seem to be a supposedly mature position has many risks in it, since it involves not listening to ourselves—and ignoring own internal instruments, which are sending us valuable information. Don’t fake what you feel. The idea of faking until I make it can lead me into a world of pretend and denial.
Often times when I find myself complaining about something I need to pay attention to my complaint for it tells me what is important; it often reveals what I am actually committed to. Of course I cannot stay stuck in my complaint, I have to take responsibility for my actions and get out of the blame game, but I should stop kidding myself. When I tell the truth it frees me from making excuses.
Just because I don’t lie or steal from you doesn’t mean that I am being honest. Hiding my feelings, ignoring my feelings, not asking for what I want is all a form of dishonesty, denial and pride. Being honest helps me to live an authentic life. It helps me to be free from attempting to control. It helps me to be me.
3 Comments:
i was raised in an environment where feelings was a 4-letter word, so this new world of transparency & authenticity has been a very liberating experience for me. damn shame it took me 32 years to get here...practically crimnal...
Recently I had to finally tell it like at work, and got myself fired. Although it is crazy being without a job and having other conseqeunces that I cannot go into at the moment, there is a certain feeling of freedom. Most of all, there is peace that God has me in his everlasting hands. The truth really does set you free. It may be terrifying, scary and seem downright stupid in the chaotic aftermath of the truth-telling, but it is liberating and allows faith to take its hold.
The danger, of course, is that there are whole groups of people who are actively discouraged from telling us who they are. I often am amazed at how the church wants to get to know folks - until they find out just how broken or "apart from" they really are.
I was astonished by two different churches I've visited where gay and lesbian people were both welcomed and affirmed. After so much time in the Lutheran tradition, where "don't ask/don't tell" is a way of life, it was a real breath of fresh air.
Unfortunately, it's all too rare - whether the issue is sexuality, divorce, addiction, or whatever, it seems we just don't have room in a lot of Christian communities from folks who haven't got their poop in a group. The result is that either people assume there is no place in the faith community for them, and leave - or they hide their brokenness and try to "look good" (like I did for so many years).
There is so much fear tied up in "being real," and the fear of rejection - which is why the letter of the Gospel brings so much healing when it is presented pure and unfettered by human hogwash.
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